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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 13th March 2006 Thread Starter
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Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal

The Rise of the Machines™ - (on wheels)
By Lester Haines

A traumatised Frenchman is shaken but otherwise unharmed after his Renault kidnapped him on the A71 motorway in central France and subjected him to an hour-long 125mph terror ordeal.

Hicham Dequiedt, 29, was overtaking a lorry on said highway when the car's automatic speed regulator stuck, AFP reports. Travelling at break-neck speeds and unable to stop the vehicle, Dequiedt alerted the authorities by phone. They quickly broadcast radio alerts and activated electronic warning signs. The police also raised the barriers at the Riom tollgate in anticipation of the satanic Renault making a break for freedom.

Mercifully, Dequiedt managed to disable the vehicle by pulling out the Renault's magnetic card ignition key. He finally ground to a halt 12 miles from Riom. A police officer noted: "The driver was really afraid - especially at one point when he had to overtake at 200 kilometres per hour on the emergency lane."

Renault officials immediately impounded the car and whisked it off to the company's technical centre near Paris. CEO Louis Schweitzer confirmed an investigation had been launched, but expresed scepticism that the car's on-board computer had provoked the kamikaze Cannonball Run:

"Every time there is an incident like this, we have to look into it on the principle of basic precaution," he confirmed. "But the way this has been described to me, I find it very surprising and most unlikely."

Schweitzer's unwillingness to face facts will send a chill down the spine of all those who have been monitoring the Rise of the Machines™. ........

It all began innocently enough - with a cyberloo capturing a hapless shopper in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Reports soon began to trickle in that homicidal phoneboxes had turned on the citizens of Madrid, while London commuters ran screaming from incendiary omnibuses.
Then, in February 2004, came the shocking news that a full-scale technological uprising was underway in Sicily's Canneto di Caronia, with killer cyberappliances forcing a full-scale evacuation of the hamlet.

In the circumstances, Renault's state of denial regarding the mephistopholean Vel Statis offers just two explanations: that the company is oblivious to the ongoing war of annihilation between machine and mankind; or that it is itself an emissary of the extra-terrestrial lizard army which - despite the ominous warnings of David Icke - continues to strive for the ultimate subjugation of humanity through technology. ®


And then we get................

Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal:

"We really do wish the French would pay rather more attention to the mounting evidence that their entire car industry - notably Citroen and Renault - is now nothing more than a supplier of quality satanic automobiles to the Lizard Alliance".

We reported that a mephistopholean Renault Vel Satis attempted to do away with its terrified owner when it took him on an hour-long, 125mph kamikaze Cannonball Run. Renault at the time doubted very much the driver's version of events - that the car had refused to respond to appeals to slow down a bit - and we accordingly concluded that company CEO Louis Schweitzer was remotely controlled from the lizard mothership via explosive cranial implant.

Naturally, less well-informed readers derided our suggestion that the French are manipulated by extraterrestrial forces bent on the subjugation of humanity via technology. Further proof is clearly required. Read on:

On Wednesday, an innocent jaunt near Rouen became another page in the chronicle of the Rise of the Machines™ after a Renault Laguna spontaneously decided to subject its master - accompanied by his five-year-old son - to a forty-kilometre white-knuckle rollercoaster terror ordeal during which the panic-sticken Frenchman could neither brake, decelerate nor use the clutch.

Mr Gamada later recounted to French daily Paris-Normandie: "I always take the same route. I'd entered 87kmph on the speed regulator because there's a 90kmph limit on the road. But suddenly the car locked up. I couldn't do anything... except turn the wheel."

A shaken Gamada continued: "I was asked to do one of three things: disengage the clutch, which didn't work; press the start button five times - again, nothing; override the speed control box - still nothing."

Gamada at this point contacted his wife via mobile phone, who in turn alerted the authorities. The police put Gamada in touch with Renault assistance and - after 40 kilometres - a combination of clutch, start button and speed regulator manipulation brought the murderous Laguna to a halt.

The local press report notes that "the offending car is fitted with a mechanical speed regulator - without electronic control". It rather superbly adds: "It seems probable that the driver was not able to disengage the lever."

We await with delicious, albeit fearful, anticipation the explanation of Louis Schweitzer for this latest outrage. Of course, the report will finger Gamada as the culprit after which the sobbing victim will be paid off with a family trip to Disneyland Paris during which he and his son will - as the only eyewitnesses to the events - be terminated by a French-built cyberloo.


These articles might explain a lot of the strange problems reported on this thread.

(Why DO I find this funny?),

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Last edited by spirochete; 13th March 2006 at 10:44 PM.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 16th March 2006
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This appeared in the Daily Record last week!

A BMW driver went through 60 miles of terror at up to 140mph when the throttle on his car jammed.
Kevin Nicolle, 25, dialled 999 as he hurtled down the A1 and screamed: "I'm going to die!"
A police helicopter and four patrol cars tracked Kevin as he weaved desperately through traffic at breakneck speed.
Bizarrely, some drivers refused to get out of his way, even though he was flashing his headlights and hazard lights and sounding his horn.
Kevin's brakes burned out, and the 30 - minute nightmare ride ended when the BMW slammed into a roundabout at 100mph and flipped on to its roof.
Amazingly, Kevin was cut free with only minor cuts and bruises.
Kevin, of Portsmouth, Hampshire, was driving his BMW 318 automatic home from Newcastle when he realised his accelerator was stuck.
He said: "I couldn't get the pedal off the floor.
"I tried to slip the car into neutral but because it was over-revving and red-lining I couldn't do it.
"And I couldn't turn off the ignition because it would have disabled the power steering and made it even more dangerous."
Kevin braked hard to try to slow the car and phoned the AA for advice.
He said: "They told me to hang up straight away and phone the police. I dialled 999 and spoke to a woman. I was starting to panic.
"My brakes were burning out and starting to fail. That's when the speed really started to build - on downhill stretches I was doing 140mph.
"Slow-moving cars were a blur. It was like being strapped to a rocket."
Police scrambled four patrol cars and a helicopter. The copter pilot monitored traffic ahead so the 999 operator could tell Kevin which lane to choose.
Kevin said: "I was starting to shake and freeze up. I broke into tears. I couldn't help it - I thought I was definitely going to die.
"I was getting hysterical. The traffic was getting heavier and I had to take drastic measures.
"The police told me to get on the hard shoulder and put my hazard lights and headlights on and blow my horn so people knew what was going on.
"But some drivers didn't seem to care. I was screaming at cars to get out of my way but they just didn't.
"I was hurtling through traffic and having to undertake cars. Sometimes I missed them by inches.
"There was an articulated lorry overtaking another artic and another guy in the fast lane.
"I was flashing and blowing my horn at the guy in the car, but the only way to get past was to undertake and when I did that he speeded up. I only just made it past.
"The 999 operator told me the police were about half a mile behind me but were finding it difficult to catch me.
"Then I saw a sign saying it was 800 yards to a roundabout.
"I told the operator, 'There's no way I'm going to get through this. Call me an ambulance - I'm going to die.'
"There was a queue of cars. I swerved round them, then tried to go round the roundabout.
"The last thing I remember is a woman's voice saying, 'He's crashed, he's crashed.' After that, I remember being cut out of the car and a paramedic sticking needles in me.
"I said to the firemen, 'Don't cut my car, you'll damage it'. They were saying, 'Don't worry about that mate, it's written off.'"
Kevin crashed at Blyth, Nottinghamshire last Sunday.
Rescuers took an hour to cut him free. He was taken to nearby Bassetlaw Hospital but discharged a few hours later.
"I only had bruises from the seatbelt and cuts on my chin," Kevin said. "I'm one of the luckiest people on earth."
Kevin, a truck driver, bought the 1.8 litre 1998 BMW a year ago from a dealer for £4395. He spent £3000 on a sound system for it.
He isn't sure if he will ever drive again. But incredibly, he said: "If I do buy another car it will definitely be a BMW. The fact I got out unscathed is down to how well-made their cars are."
A BMW spokesman said he couldn't understand why Kevin had not put the car in neutral and stopped on the hard shoulder.
He added that there could have been a problem with the car's accelerator cable, but the company did not have enough information to make a proper judgment.
BMW have offered to inspect the car. The spokesman said: "I suspect something has happened to this specific vehicle.
"BMW automatic drivers should not panic. Everything points to this being a one-off."
Police said: "Kevin was doing in excess of 100mph and is lucky to have walked away. Enquiries are ongoing."
It was like being strapped to a rocket. I was screaming'
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 16th March 2006 Thread Starter
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Perhaps BM are in league with Renault and the extraterresrial Lizards!

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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 16th March 2006
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Originally Posted by spiaro
But incredibly, he said: "If I do buy another car it will definitely be a BMW. The fact I got out unscathed is down to how well-made their cars are."
Uhm, whatever you say mate...
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 16th March 2006
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Well there's a damned good reason for buying a car with a manual transmission if you ask me. Worst case scenario, you knock the thing into neutral and coast to a halt.

In this day and age, I don't see how they can still make cars with a throttle that fails in the fully open position. Audi had a spate of 'uncontrolled accelerations' in some of their automatics a few years back but, lesson learned, they redesigned the thing so that it would always close if it failed.

Loss of power steering wouldn't have been a worry. The steering lock engaging at speed would have been a problem though. I had to do it at 30mph in my old Escort once (smoke started pouring out of the dash from behind the stereo) and I still ended up on the pavement. I'd hate to try it at 100mph+
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man , ordeal , renault , satanic , terror

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