The Rise of the Machines™ - (on wheels)
By Lester Haines
A traumatised Frenchman is shaken but otherwise unharmed after his Renault kidnapped him on the A71 motorway in central France and subjected him to an hour-long 125mph terror ordeal.
Hicham Dequiedt, 29, was overtaking a lorry on said highway when the car's automatic speed regulator stuck, AFP reports. Travelling at break-neck speeds and unable to stop the vehicle, Dequiedt alerted the authorities by phone. They quickly broadcast radio alerts and activated electronic warning signs. The police also raised the barriers at the Riom tollgate in anticipation of the satanic Renault making a break for freedom.
Mercifully, Dequiedt managed to disable the vehicle by pulling out the Renault's magnetic card ignition key. He finally ground to a halt 12 miles from Riom. A police officer noted: "The driver was really afraid - especially at one point when he had to overtake at 200 kilometres per hour on the emergency lane."
Renault officials immediately impounded the car and whisked it off to the company's technical centre near Paris. CEO Louis Schweitzer confirmed an investigation had been launched, but expresed scepticism that the car's on-board computer had provoked the kamikaze Cannonball Run:
"Every time there is an incident like this, we have to look into it on the principle of basic precaution," he confirmed. "But the way this has been described to me, I find it very surprising and most unlikely."
Schweitzer's unwillingness to face facts will send a chill down the spine of all those who have been monitoring the Rise of the Machines™. ........
It all began innocently enough - with a cyberloo capturing a hapless shopper in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Reports soon began to trickle in that homicidal phoneboxes had turned on the citizens of Madrid, while London commuters ran screaming from incendiary omnibuses.
Then, in February 2004, came the shocking news that a full-scale technological uprising was underway in Sicily's Canneto di Caronia, with killer cyberappliances forcing a full-scale evacuation of the hamlet.
In the circumstances, Renault's state of denial regarding the mephistopholean Vel Statis offers just two explanations: that the company is oblivious to the ongoing war of annihilation between machine and mankind; or that it is itself an emissary of the extra-terrestrial lizard army which - despite the ominous warnings of David Icke - continues to strive for the ultimate subjugation of humanity through technology. ®
And then we get................
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal:
"We really do wish the French would pay rather more attention to the mounting evidence that their entire car industry - notably Citroen and Renault - is now nothing more than a supplier of quality satanic automobiles to the Lizard Alliance".
We reported that a mephistopholean Renault Vel Satis attempted to do away with its terrified owner when it took him on an hour-long, 125mph kamikaze Cannonball Run. Renault at the time doubted very much the driver's version of events - that the car had refused to respond to appeals to slow down a bit - and we accordingly concluded that company CEO Louis Schweitzer was remotely controlled from the lizard mothership via explosive cranial implant.
Naturally, less well-informed readers derided our suggestion that the French are manipulated by extraterrestrial forces bent on the subjugation of humanity via technology. Further proof is clearly required. Read on:
On Wednesday, an innocent jaunt near Rouen became another page in the chronicle of the Rise of the Machines™ after a Renault Laguna spontaneously decided to subject its master - accompanied by his five-year-old son - to a forty-kilometre white-knuckle rollercoaster terror ordeal during which the panic-sticken Frenchman could neither brake, decelerate nor use the clutch.
Mr Gamada later recounted to French daily Paris-Normandie: "I always take the same route. I'd entered 87kmph on the speed regulator because there's a 90kmph limit on the road. But suddenly the car locked up. I couldn't do anything... except turn the wheel."
A shaken Gamada continued: "I was asked to do one of three things: disengage the clutch, which didn't work; press the start button five times - again, nothing; override the speed control box - still nothing."
Gamada at this point contacted his wife via mobile phone, who in turn alerted the authorities. The police put Gamada in touch with Renault assistance and - after 40 kilometres - a combination of clutch, start button and speed regulator manipulation brought the murderous Laguna to a halt.
The local press report notes that "the offending car is fitted with a mechanical speed regulator - without electronic control". It rather superbly adds: "It seems probable that the driver was not able to disengage the lever."
We await with delicious, albeit fearful, anticipation the explanation of Louis Schweitzer for this latest outrage. Of course, the report will finger Gamada as the culprit after which the sobbing victim will be paid off with a family trip to Disneyland Paris during which he and his son will - as the only eyewitnesses to the events - be terminated by a French-built cyberloo.
These articles might explain a lot of the strange problems reported on this thread.
(Why DO I find this funny?),