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Don't ask me how, but there must be a way to get the bonnet open. Usually you need to do it if the release cable snaps, but this could be another good reason.
With the bonnet open, put a jump-start pack across the battery and see if you can get the central locking to work. With a bit of luck, this should sort it.
If you have a towbar on there with a 12S (grey) socket as well as the usual 12N (black) then you might just get away with putting 12v across the correct pins on the socket. If you're looking at the socket, you'll need to connect pin 3 (4 o'clock) to the jump pack's negative and pin 4 (6 o'clock) to positive.
Or yet another possibility - if you can get to the starter motor from underneath the car (a pain by all accounts) then hook positive up to the big wire on the starter and find a good earth for the negative. That might just do the trick too.
Currently in Horatio's garage:
2010 Laguna III Initiale.