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paddy

  1. paddy

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Mick drives into Paddy's farm one day and sees Paddy standing in the middle of the cow field like a statue. So Mick gets out of the car and goes over to Paddy who's still standing, not moving at all. "Paddy, what the :censored: are you doing?" Says Mick. "Go away Mick, you're going to ruin...
  2. Paddy

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy is sat having a quiet drink in the bar when Murphy walks in cradling a lizard. Paddy exclaims "Bejeezus Morph, what the hell have you got there, looks like some mad kind of swivel eyed dinosaur type of thing?" Murphy carefully sets his new pet down on the table and replies "He's a...
  3. Paddy and Mick

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy and Mick were in the pub Paddy turns to Mick and says "I'm thinking of buying a Labrador " "[email protected] that " says Mick " have you seen how many of their owners go blind..."
  4. Paddy's pet

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy went into the pet shop today. He said "Sure I'm lookin' to buy a goldfish." The fella said "Do you want an aquarium?" Paddy said "I don't care what feckin' star sign it is."
  5. Paddy's fingers

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'. Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'...
  6. Paddy and Mick

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy. The three men had always done everything together. Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said...
  7. Mick and Paddy

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Mick and Paddy are out in the country shooting rabbits. Suddenly, right in front of his friend Paddy, Mick falls to the ground, throws a quick spasm, and then lies perfectly still. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. In fact, he looks pretty well dead...
  8. Paddy the Boxer

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.” Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
  9. Paddy and Mick

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and...
  10. Paddy's new girlfriend

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be 'the one', but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit and a police woman's uniform, he's finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
  11. Paddy and Mick

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.. "B0llocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
  12. Paddy's war

    Jokes & funny stuff
    The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Teacozy !' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon...
  13. Paddy

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more. The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it...
  14. Paddy's broken leg

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin?" "Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing." Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. He...
  15. Paddy

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.' Operator: 'What is your location sir?' Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .' Operator: 'How do you spell...
  16. Paddy Watching Babestation

    Jokes & funny stuff
    PADDYS UPSTAIRS WATCHING BABE STATION .he phones the number on the tv screen and the babe says " we'll hello sexy and what can I do for u tonight. " paddy replies do you see the sofa your lying on naked Playing with your toys . Yes she replies . Paddy says well you wouldn't jump over the back of...
  17. Paddy McCoy

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me...
  18. When Paddy died

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy Died. His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Ah well, Paddy would be pleased," she said. "You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "So go on...
  19. Paddy and Mick

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy and Mick were called to the towns mortuary to identify a badly burnt body that was said to their friend Tommy. The mortuary attendant brought them one at a time to look at the burnt body. Paddy says, " Turn him over will you." the attendant does so. "No" Paddy says " That's not Tommy"...
  20. Paddy and Mick (2)

    Jokes & funny stuff
    Paddy and Mick are working on the front of a building, Paddy's up the ladder and Mick's footing. Two tasty girls walk past and Mick turns to gawk at them. The ladder slips and Paddy falls big splat he's there twitching. As the ambulance is taking him away Mick's talking to a copper Copper: What...
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