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Tartan terrorist in a dress..
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22,785 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
A guy walks into a pub with a pig under his arm, and this pig has a
wooden leg. The guy orders a beer for himself, and a dish of water
for the pig. The barman says "No worries mate. Tell me, how did your
pig there get a wooden leg?"

The guy replies, "Look mate, this is a bloody fantastic pig. One day
I was driving home late at night when I fell asleep crashed the car.
The pig jumped out of the back, set my broken leg, found me water, and
kept me warm until help arrived. Bloody fantastic pig this."

And the barman says, "Thats a pretty impressive pig all right, but you
haven't told me how it got its wooden leg."

So the guy says, "Listen to this mate. A few weeks ago I was going
to America for a business trip. Well some idiot opened the plane door
and I was sucked out. I thought that was the end for me, but far above
me I saw the pig jump out of the plane. It swam through the air to me,
strapped on a parachute, landed me in the sea, blew up a rubber raft,
paddled to shore, hailed a taxi, and got me to my meeting with an
hour to spare!"

And the barman says, "Wow! That sure is some pig you have there, but
you still haven't told me how it got its wooden leg."

So the guy says, "Listen mate, if you had a pig this good, would you
eat it all at once?"
 

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Super fantastic Mod Technical Supremo Nice Guy
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39,761 Posts
You Started It
On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby,
a gun in his hand.

The speeder said, "Looks as if I killed your dog."

"Sure does."

"I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."

"Sounds good."

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money.
Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."

"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."
 

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Tartan terrorist in a dress..
Joined
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22,785 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Elephants

What kind of elephants live at the North Pole? Cold ones.
What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds? An elephant six-pack.
What's the difference between an Indian elephant and an African elephant?
About three thousand mile...
What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant....
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia.
Why do elephants have cracks between their toes? For carrying their library cards.
What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to elephants? The Tusk Fairy.
Where do elephants with skincare problems go? Pachydermatologists.
Why didn't the elephant cross the street? Because it saw the zebra crossing.
What would you get if Batman and Robin were run over by a herd of stampeding elephants?
Flatman and Ribbon....
 

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Super fantastic Mod Technical Supremo Nice Guy
Joined
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39,761 Posts
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged,
but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity!
That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me
 

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Tartan terrorist in a dress..
Joined
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22,785 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Things You Don't Want To Hear When Lying On The Operating Table
"What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!...

"OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature....


"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy....


"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.


"Rover come back with that ..bad dog "
 

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Premium Member
Captur 2017 1.5DCi EDC
Joined
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3,761 Posts
Things You Don't Want To Hear When Lying On The Operating Table
"What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!...

"OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature....


"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy....


"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.


"Rover come back with that ..bad dog "
Can you remember where this came from?
 

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Super fantastic Mod Technical Supremo Nice Guy
Joined
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39,761 Posts
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a on here.:grin2:
The questions are NOT that difficult.:nerd:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
Do you still belong on here>:)
 

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Super fantastic Mod Technical Supremo Nice Guy
Joined
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39,761 Posts
An elephant was walking through the jungle. He stepped on a thorn and started to cry. "OW, OW! This hurts! Somebody help me!" Just then, a little mouse passed by.
"Oh, please, little mouse!" the elephant pleaded. "Please take this thorn out of my foot! It really hurts!"
"No Way!!" cried the mouse. "I know you! You stepped on my brother last week!"
"I'm sorry about that! Just, please! Help me! I'll do anything!" cried the elephant.
"Anything?" replied the mouse sceptically.
"Yes! I promise!" swore the elephant.
"Well, okay!" said the mouse.
So the mouse pulled the thorn out of the elephant's foot, causing instant relief.
"Thank you little mouse!" said the elephant. "What can I do to repay you?"
The mouse smiled and said, "Now, you have to let me have my way with you."
The elephant was horrified. But, he did promise the mouse he'd do anything, so he reluctantly obliged.
So the mouse climbed on top of the elephant and started ****ing him as fast as his little mouse body could.
Just then, some monkeys were sitting in a tree, watching, disgusted at this mouse ****ing an elephant. So they started throwing coconuts at the elephant's head.
"Ow!" cried the elephant as the coconuts bashed his tender skull. "That hurts! Stop it!"
The mouse kept going and said, "Yeah! Take it all, B1**h! Take it all!"
 

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Tartan terrorist in a dress..
Joined
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22,785 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts £20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!
 

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Super fantastic Mod Technical Supremo Nice Guy
Joined
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39,761 Posts
Oh ,, Its ok for you do the daft jokes,

Horsing Around

It was spring in the west. The cowboys rode the still snow- choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six- gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, pardner," said the snake, "don't shoot. I'm an enchanted
rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you
want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Richard Gere, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger,and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to
the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Richard Gere. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted... .....
"My God, I was riding the mare!
 

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Tartan terrorist in a dress..
Joined
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22,785 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer... "
 

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Super fantastic Mod Technical Supremo Nice Guy
Joined
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39,761 Posts
THE LICENSE

An 8 or 9 year old boy asked his mother: "How old are you?"

"None of your business. Never ask a woman her age!"

"How tall are you and how much do you weigh?"

"None of your business. Never, never ask a woman how much she weighs!!"

"Why did Daddy divorce you?"

"What's with you today? We divorced each other. We'll talk about that at

some later time."

The little fellow recounted this conversation to a friend on the playground who told him he could find out all this stuff if he just looked at his mother's drivers license. When his mother wasn't looking, he found her purse and wallet and looked at her license. Thereafter he told her:

"Well, Mom, I found out that you were born in 1965, which makes you 32.

You're 5 foot 5 and weigh 130 pounds. And Daddy divorced you because you got an "F" in sex."
 
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